3BALL HQ: Sumpin' New

The latest news straight from the core of 3BALL Headquarters...

[Wickus vs. the Bathroom]

Boyscout Trapped in Bathroom

La Crosse, WI. 3BALL’s own Iowaian component and nature expert, Boyscout was recently held hostage by an area lavatory. Boyscout chose employ the bathroom shortly after feeling the urge to urinate. Upon entering the bathroom, he shut the door securely behind him, unknowingly sealing his fate. When Boyscout attempted to exit the facilities, much to his chagrin, the door was tightly shut. The doorknob was of no use. The very bathroom had turned against him. Odds on Boyscout’s survival were at best slim. The bathroom is roughly 15’ by 8’ and weighs in at around four tons of toilet paper, porcelain, and plumbing. The room has no soul. It feels no compassion or pain. The bathroom had a distinct advantage, indeed. But showing extreme bravery only paralleled by those athletes in Mountain Dew commercials, Boyscout attempted to use his dazzling MacGyver-like skills to defeat the diabolical doorway. By mixing some potassium nitrate scraped from the ceiling tiles along with some Johnson’s Baby Powder found in the medicine cabinet, he fashioned a crude power that would become combustible when combined with a tampon and a quart of Listerine. But alas, the explosion did no good. The bathroom would not be overthrown. Boyscout, even with his resourceful knowledge of useless stuff, was befuddled. At this point, his masculine courage was tossed aside as he whined like a little girl for help. No one noticed until three hours later when a resident needed to enter the sadistic powder room. Boyscout’s pathetic pleas for assistance were recognized. He was eventually rescued from the clutches of the evil chamber by home repair expert, Dave Turk of Vaaler Home Improvement. Boyscout is currently undergoing extensive psychiatric therapy. The room is being held for questioning.

Campus Resident to "Stick It"

Madison, WI. University of Wisconsin Freshman, Carl Nosek was reportedly told to "stick it" last Friday by one Tim Drexler. The suggestion was made for no apparent reason. When Nosek asked Drexler to elaborate, the only response he received was "In the hole. Stick it in the hole, Carl." It’s possible that this wasn’t the first incident of Drexler advising others to "stick it," but rather the latest in a long series. Experts have been commissioned to interpret Drexler’s cryptic rantings, but thusfar they can only determine that he truly believes that Nosek, among others, should "stick it in the hole." When asked for comment about the topic, Drexler replied "Fuck your bullshit. I’ll do it myself." At last examination, Drexler was still a pussy.

Scientists Discover Chick Magnetism

The Pentagon, WA. US Department of Defense scientists objectively concluded that Peter Gabriel's song entitled "In Your Eyes" off of his 1986 release "So," is indisputably a chick magnet. As the term implies, a chick magnet is a song, action, or object that tends to be highly favorable to chicks. As project leader, Eric Turner, eloquently stated, chicks are attracted to the song like "flies to shit." The claim is clearly not unfounded, considering the evidence is overwhelming. Nine out of ten chicks hold an above average fondness to the song. Since the project team was unable to approach any actual chicks to request their input, all data was determined through the use of a 37 million dollar federally funded machine. The Chick-O-Matic 2000 simulates a typical chick reaction to a specific given subject by returning a value between one and ten. After months of extensive testing on the Chick-O-Matic, the highly paid government workers noted the song "In Your Eyes" as one of the most highest ranking stimuli. When inquired about this program's bearing on the United States defense system, the scientists did not comment. They did however, add that long walks on the beach, candlelight dinners, and car speakers with "Mega-Bass" were also evident chick magnets.

Student's Ex-Roommate is a Psycho Freak

Iowa City, IA. To the udder shock of her peers, last month University of Iowa student Colleen Sullivan released a statement proclaiming her ex-roommate is "sooooo PSYCHO!!!!!!" The roommate, whom we'll give the completely fictional name "Phinkham" for anonymity, has caused a disturbance since her arrival at Iowa City. Sullivan had expressed some concerns at the beginning of the semester when she experienced some initial difficulties with her roommate's drinking practices. Said roommate was responsible for decorating the dorm room and surrounding areas with several gallons of vomit before passing out. "All of us had to flip her on to her stomach so that she wouldn't choke on her vomit! I was so repulsed!" Sullivan later recalled. Since then, "Phinkham" has relocated residence and begun terrorizing her new roommate. "Phinkham" reportedly labeled her new roommates belongings with the word "bitch" using one black "Marks-A-Lot" permanent marker. This was in addition to carving the slightly varied "die bitch" (German for "the bitch") into the dry erase board and excreting bodily fluids on her roommate's bed and pillow. "Phinkham has also been making lots of nasty phone calls to us!!!" Sullivan added, using the completely fictional name to refer to her ex-roommate. "I don't see what the big deal is," reacted one anonymous UW-Madison student. "My mom did all those things to me." Latest reports indicate that "Phinkham" has been making efforts to reclaim her crock pot and a cable box from Sullivan's room. Sullivan profoundly concluded, "Hmmmm...classes are still going okay!!!"

Still curious? Take a drunken stumble into the Archives.
Get a broad perspective with the world domination plan overview.

These other articles are funnier. Really.
I've ingested enough of this drivel. Back to the Lobby....