The latest news straight from the core of 3BALL Headquarters...
NBC Unveils New Olympic Advertising Strategy
Atlanta, GA. In a "boom" of marketing genius, NBC executives "ignited" an "explosive" new advertising campaign last Thursday. They claim viewers will be "blown away" by top notch Olympic coverage and commentary and then be "left in stitches" by such popular comedy programs such as "Friends." One executive said that the NBC anchor people were "on fire," noting Bob Costas specifically as "the bomb." He further added that the network will be "blasting out" all this programming and coverage to ensure that viewers will be "impaled with the shrapnel of high quality television."
Bertha Ravages East Coast, Searches for Buffet Line
Virginia, USA. Redmond resident Bertha Walters madly ripped apart several area eating establishments as she barged through Virginia in search of an "all-you-can-eat" buffet line, injuring at least nine people, emergency officials said on Saturday. Two mobile homes were destroyed and several others were damaged in Northumberland County on the Chesapeake Bay, and nine people were taken to the hospital early Saturday, according to Janet Clements, spokeswoman for the Virginia Department of Emergency Services. The crazed beast also hit the Isle of Wight and Smithfield, small communities west of Norfolk, damaging 10 to 15 homes, officials said. Saturday morning some 55,000 homes were without power across Virginia, Clements said. "The woman feels no pain. Nothing will stand in her way. All we can do is pray that God will have mercy on the employees of the Norfolk Shakey's," Clements continued to sob. Damage to the state primarily included downed trees, destroyed restaurants, moderate flooding and a state-wide Hostess snack cake shortage, officials said. As of 11 a.m. EDT, Bertha was near Atlantic City, NJ, moving northeast at 14 mph.
Youth Devises Twelve Step Program to Apathy
Seattle, WA. Would you like to worry less? Sure, we all would! That's why noted psychology expert and "Generation X" slacker, Eddie Cantrell, has developed the revolutionary self-help book entitled "A Pragmatic Analization of the Human Psyche and Deficiency of Interaction: Mindset for Apathy." Consisting of twelve heavily detailed and involved steps, the program guarantees participants to be one hundred percent worry-free if all the instructions are correctly and painstakingly followed. In the forward, Switzerland president, Adolf Ogi writes, "Imagine, you too could be without a care in the world, simply because you're not willing to exert the effort. If ignorance is bliss, then sign me up!" The book can be ordered by mail order. "Mindset for Apathy" isn't available in stores. Sorry no CODs.
Word Search!
J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S
A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J
C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A
K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C
A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K
S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A
S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S
J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S J A C K A S S
Still curious? Take a drunken stumble into the Archives.
Get a broad perspective with the world domination plan overview.
For the finest in web-based satire, check the Archives.
I've ingested enough of this drivel. Back to the Lobby....
© 1996 3BALL Headquarters