The latest news straight from the core of 3BALL Headquarters...
NBC's Fresh Prince Destroys Gank Planet
Quadrant Three, Above Earth. On July 4th, in a stunning setback to 3BALL's ultimate goal of world domination, Will Smith, an accomplished actor, Grammy winner, and known also as TV's zany "Fresh Prince," annihilated the Phatty-Boom-Batty Fly-Ass-Flava Gank Planet, 3BALL's only orbiting weapon of death at this time. This counterattack upon the Gank Planet comes in the wake of the destruction of many of Earth's most prominent landmarks, such as the Empire State Building, the Whitehouse, and the Kwik Trip on Losey Boulevard. Smith didn't strike back alone. There were several other key players working with the Fresh Prince. He was accompanied on his daring outeratmospheric mission by Jeff Goldbloom, who has played the same brainy, yet manly, Jewish intellectual consistently throughout his entire film career. DJ Jazzy Jeff Goldbloom and the Fresh Prince detonated 3BALL's ominous orb of interplanetary weaponry with a one in a million shot down a ventilation shaft leading directly to the station's core. An enormous explosion illuminated the night sky, visible to all of the Western Hemisphere. Eyewitness Chris Cornell explained it as a "shower in the dark day, clean sparks diving down. I heard it in the wind and I saw it in the sky. I thought it was the end. I thought it was the 4th of July." By eliminating the Gank Planet, the mortals of Earth asserted that the 4th of July was now not only an American holiday but supposedly as a day the world claimed its independence from 3BALL. The fools.
Clever T-shirt Amuses Several
Bloomington, Ill. Area locals were pleasantly shocked by the pure genius of a humorous t-shirt design boldly displayed in the Wacky Wears store in the shopping center just off of Highway 55. Upon the black shirt, blurred white print whimsically jests,"I'm not as think as you drunk I am." A small crowd formed around the t-shirt, and after mere seconds of observation, the store patrons threw themselves to the ground in a heated seizure of side-splitting laughter. "Oh, that's rich!" said one resident, Don Wabeck,"You see, it's saying 'I'm not as THINK as you DRUNK I am' when naturally everyone knows that it should read 'I'm not as DRUNK as you THINK I am!' And the writing's all out of focus! By wearing that t-shirt, you'd be implying that you're intoxicated to the point that you can't form proper sentences correctly, much less focus your eyes like that of any sober person! How nutty is that? What a hoot!" The Smithsonian has already cleared out its Colonial wing to supply an adequate home for this wondrous item of clothing, barring any upper-level government intervention.
3BALL Launches Bad-Ass Training Campaign
Walla Walla, WA. As a long awaited, much overdue community service, 3BALL has installed a Summer Phat Pharm deep in the forests of Washington state to assist America's thought deprived youth. Evasive action was called for when the results from a June '96 Gallop pole confirmed that 94.4% of the United States' population are incompetent, uncultured, or "uncool" moronic drones. Roughly 40% of these people are beyond recovery and will regrettably never be cool. The nation is being combed for the remaining population that are not beyond help, but are at high risk. Crowds of these borderline cases have been involuntarily herded into unmarked semitrailers and shipped directly to the Phat Pharm. Each coolness deprived individual, or "Jackass" as they're referred to at the camp, is fitted with an electric collar used to keep the tenants on the grounds and double as a means of negative reinforcement whenever that individual commits an act which is deemed "not cool" or "whack." An average day at the Phat Pharm consists of a strict military regiment focusing on gangsta terminology, witty banter, and how to avoid looking like a dumbass. Students that manage to pass the two year long stay at the Phat Pharm are allowed to live and are dropped on a baron Northwestern highway, free to go home. If you are interested in getting picked up by the Phat Pharm recruiters, attend a Dungeons and Dragons get-together or a Star Trek convention.
Lonely Woman Subscribes to CatFancy Magazine
St. Albans, VT. In a pathetic move of downright desperation, last Saturday 72 year-old Doris Glenzfield mailed a floral designed check for $19.95 and a subscription card to the publishers of CatFancy Magazine in Dayton, Ohio. Glenzfield, who's a crossword and "Word Jumble" enthusiast, hasn't had any social interaction with any person since her husband's funeral three years ago. Her only companions are her two cats, Victor and Fluffy. Doris enjoys the company of her cats as she goes about her empty daily routines of reading the local newspaper, watching "Murder She Wrote" reruns on USA, and crocheting potholders to be given as future Christmas gifts to the remaining of her unappreciative, uncaring family. Meanwhile the pair of felines apathetically drag themselves about Glenzfield's small three room apartment dwelling, stopping often to sleep for extended periods of time. They display no enthusiasm nor vigor characteristic of such energetic animals. Despite the cats' apparent lack of spirit and will to live, Glenzfield waits in anticipation for her first issue of CatFancy. Soon she will have countless tips to protect her only friends from parasites and urinary tract infections, fun games to play with her unwilling pets, and even a monthly crossword puzzle especially for catlovers. The subscription to CatFancy Magazine easily qualifies as the highlight of Glenzfield's current dreary, miserable existence. Now with Glenzfield on their mailing list, CatFancy boasts 14 subscribers worldwide.
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I've ingested enough of this drivel. Back to the Lobby....
© 1996 3BALL Headquarters