The latest news straight from the core of 3BALL Headquarters...
3BALL Activates Space Station/Cataclysmic Interplanetary Weapon
Quadrant Three, Above Earth. According to sources deep within 3BALL World Headquarters, the 3BALL's orbiting weapon of
death was deemed fully operational last Wednesday by 3BALL ally and local Dark Jedi, Joruus
C'baoth. The station, while still under construction, waits still for a suitable name. The PR staff
aboard the station are debating between "The Mortality Sphere" or "The Phatty-Boom-Batty Fly-Ass-Flava Gank Planet." The planet's first target will be the country of Belgium in retaliation of their
recent smiting of 3BALL. After the Gank Planet's immense powers are known world-round, the
station's position above the earth combined with it's advanced technological equipment will be
utilized to get Comedy Central for free.
Central High School Senior Class to Graduate
La Crosse, WI. In an act of pure spontaneity, the Central High School class of 1996 will be graduating in early June.
In celebration of this unheard of event, students and families have been spending hours of effort to
organize parties and purchase gifts for their outstanding graduates. Thousands will converge upon
the La Crosse Center to witness a intricately mundane social ritual that will represent the academic
pinnacle for most of those receiving high school diplomas. It has been rumored that several, possibly
many, other schools around the country are graduating students as well. But in preparation for just
such an emergency, parents and students alike have deafened themselves to the rest of the world to
maintain the image that they are truly unique and special.
Foreigner Cheats, Boyscout Mildly Disappointed
Portage, WI.During the last week, 3BALL's own Boyscout has dealing with one of the largest WIAA
controversies this decade. Before the state qualifying hurdle race, the officials offered each of the runners
someone to hold their starting blocks down due to slippery weather
conditions. All but one runner, an exchange student from Belgium, agreed to have a holder. As the
starting gun sounded, the Belgian slipped from his block as Wickus took the lead and earned first.
Later, he
was grabbed from an area McDonald's and told that he had to race again. The Belgian kid had
whined all the way up to the WIAA head, and for the first time in WIAA history, a race was rerun.
The gold stealing foreigner attempted to approach a now forth place Boyscout with a handshake but
met up only with a "Fuck you." A girl came up to the Belgian and explained "He wouldn't
understand, he's an American." Wickus was quoted in the local paper with many colorful words
such as "disappointed", "shafted", and "screwed." Experts speculate that he did not agree with the WIAA's decision. He appealed on the basis of fairness,
staying as far away as possible from the "good sportsmanship" issue. Alas, that Belgium has made a
grim error. The fool, does he not fear us?
Central High Boys Varsity Golf: Swing into Action
Excerpt from Central 96 Yearbook. The sun rises gently in the east, shining down upon the glistening drops of dew resting on blades of grass, stretching into infinite fields of green. The clear blue suburban sky hovers over a local golf course as a brisk breeze moves across the terrain. People of all ages flock to the golf course in hopes to enjoy a time-honored tradition featuring plenty of family values and good clean fun. But here's the problem with golf: All these people are a bunch of self-richous bastards who destroy acres and acres of wildlife environment just to play their so called "sport" wherever they damn well please. And have you ever noticed how many old people play the game? They shouldn't even let high schoolers contemplate playing this game. But they do. And this is where Central's Boys Golf team comes in. Notice I said the "boys" team. That's because if they were men, they'd be playing football, now there's a man's game. Lottsa hitting, violence, and the occasional blood. On the other hand, all golf requires is a few hundred bucks in equipment and the ability to walk. Don't even give me that "It takes skill and concentration" shit, because I'm not even close to buying it. And after a completed game of golf, you've accomplished nothing. Do you even understand? NOTHING. No bones broken, no adversaries destroyed, no sense of absolute victory. All you've accomplished is putting a little ball into a hole eighteen times over and a little shard of paper with your numbers written on it. Completely pathetic. If this is really a sport, why isn't it even in the Olympics? Have you seen the kind of shit they have in there? Olympic curling, Olympic bungee jumping, I bet they even have an Olympic dumping in your pants event nowadays. Yet no golf! Just what the hell does that tell you? Let's face it, if that many old, retired, living of the public troff geezers can play the game, it's obviously no place for people of the younger generation. That's the problem with kids today; no damn motivation. Just a bunch of slacking. They think "Well if I can walk around outside with some expensive metal rods, I can pass myself off as an athlete." Well, I don't think so, Boba. Kids today. With their fancy-ass computers and their pushover parents, it's wonder they can even breathe by themselves without having some complaint. Back in my day, anyone going out for golf would be seen as a damn fairy. Might as well be on the cheerleading squad. Buncha nancies, those golfers. I do hate them fancy lads. Some golfers even have caddies, like they can't carry their own damn clubs. Slackers, I tell you. And here's the kicker, our team isn't even good! They suck! They had a crappy season and have disgraced the name of Central High School forever. Damn the golfers! Damn them and their families straight to hell! But good luck next year, guys!
Still curious? Take a drunken stumble into the Archives.
Get a broad perspective with the world domination plan overview.
For the finest in web-based satire, check the Archives.
I've ingested enough of this drivel. Back to the Lobby....
© 1996 3BALL Headquarters