A newsletter that reports all the juicy Action! that goes down in an Alley in lovely downtown Madison.
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ACTION! FROM SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2000 ISSUE
IN THIS ISSUE:
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A LOT OF PEE STORIES!
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THE MOST ALLEY REGULARS EVER WITNESSED IN ONE DAY!
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A CRAZED BROOM TOSSER! WITH LUCKY BONUS INTERVIEW!
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BONUS SECTION INCLUDED FOR YOUR READING CONVENIENCE
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Introducing the Alley Action! News River Rating. This scale is designed to quickly and accurately convey the amount of pee generated by an Alley pee incident.
1 = barley a trickle
2 = a mildly flowing river
3 = a long, large, raging torrent of whitewater rapids
Note that the farther into the Alley a pee incident occurs, the less likely it is to become a river. Then note that at the Alley entrance, directly out the window of Alley Action! League World Headquarters, there is an incline leading out of the Alley. This is precisely where the most successful pee tributaries originate.
And now the news.
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RETURN OF THE NEW HUMPERS INCIDENT
9/11/00
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Longtime Alley Action! News readers will recall The New Humpers and their HUGGING AND KISSING INCIDENT from the last issue. These sexually revved up horn dogs treated several AAL staffers to the following Action!: a sickeningly cute high five; a backrub; an ass grope; various tender hugs; a little dance; more than one kiss.
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INCREDIBLE DAY OF THE REGULARS INCIDENCES
9/11/00
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Today the Alley cast of regulars put on quite a show, with a record-setting FOURTEEN total cast appearances in single day. Amazingly, most of the sightings were recorded before noon. Here they are, with number of appearances per Regular:
The New Humpers - 1
Smooth Wink Collins - 2
The Chipmunk - 1
Ms. Grits McSmokey - 1
Distant Torso Huffinator - 3
Maintenance Guy from Corner Building - 1
Big Dumper - 4
Holstein pigeon - 1
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McWHIZ PEE INCIDENT
9/12/00
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A guy rode a bike directly to the McDumpster, and then took a whiz on it. Although it was an incredibly long whiz, no River was spotted.
Alley Action! News River Rating = 0
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ALLEY HOSE DOWN INCIDENT
9/13/00
(Thanks Harvey!)
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At about 7:30 AM a man walked out of one of the buildings in the Alley, pulled out a hose and sprayed the ground for a good 10 minutes. He started around the dumpster and worked his way all the way to the drain.
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QUALITY CONTROL INCIDENT
9/13/00
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Two employees from the Alley's left building appeared to do some intelligence gathering on the roof. Their uniforms had names embroidered onto their shirts, instantly conveying their importance to all things mechanical. A grate was leaning next to a large HVAC mechanical apparatus, having been taken off five months prior (see UNATTACHED GRATE INCIDENT 6/9/00). They looked at the conveyor belts whirring within the apparatus. They looked and looked and looked at it, not unlike prehistoric Nairobi shepherds watching Monster Trucks on TV for the first time. We're disgusted to report that since 9/13/00, we have witnessed no direct results from their ponderances, particularly in the area of grate replacement. It remains off to this day.
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COACH PEE INCIDENT
9/15/00
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AAN Staffers observed a strapping fellow decorated with the clothes of a coach (Astroturf® shoes, sweats, a shirt that said "Coach") take a colossal pee behind Dumpster #2.
Alley Action! News River Rating = 0
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NEW HUMPER STROLLING INCIDENT
9/15/00
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The New Humpers strolled, filled with the thoughts of humping. It is possible they were on their way to hump somewhere.
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BIRD MEETS GLASS INCIDENT
9/15/00
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A bird, quite possibly of the sparrow family, flew itself into the window of AAL, then flew on its way. It is possible it was on its way to hump somewhere.
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ABSTRACT KETCHUP INCIDENT
9/15/00
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A lad took it upon himself to stomp the life out of several ketchup packets at the entrance to the Alley. This in turn created a wonderful abstract, impressionistic interpretive art thing on the sidewalk, which in turn resulted in the artist's father bitching up a storm at the aspiring artist kid, quite probably squashing the child's interest in art forever, and forcing the poor boy into a life of guns and drugs. Shortly after the yelling, two strolling businessmen stopped at the scene of the art, looked, then walked on.
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The Alley seemed to have gotten a good Hose Down as evidenced by this morning's great Alley moisture content. AAN now wonderingly wonders if the Alley Hose Down is a weekly occurrence, as the last Hose Down occurred on a Tuesday. Fascinating Action!
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EERIE ARM WITH CIGARETTE INCIDENT
9/18/00
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A pickup truck adorned with 2 Green Bay Packer "G" symbols was parked in the Alley. Upon closer examination, some thing bizarre was spotted in the passenger window ledge - an arm. No torso appeared to be attached to it. Just an arm. A lit cigarette clenched in the fingers attached to the hand of a severed floating arm. Only one arm. One arm. One.
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FIRST ANNUAL ALLEY ACTION! NEWS LOVELY PICNIC LUNCH INCIDENT
9/19/00
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The AAN would like to extend a special thanks to its sponsors for sponsoring the first ever First Annual Alley Action! News Lovely Picnic. Lovely chow was enjoyed. Steve and Biff played lovely music. It was a lovely affair that was perfectly topped by the arrival of a genuine Ice Cream Truck (thanks Karen) which distributed lovely treats galore.
This unlovely Picnic note comes to us from Kersten: "You should know that I almost swallowed a bee. I went to take a drink and noticed that a non-liquid item came out so I promptly created some backwash and back into the can it went!"
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BROOM MAN INCIDENT
9/20/00
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Occasionally we're fortunate enough to witness a real batshit deluxe Alley show from AAL World Headquarters. Today we had a dilly thanks to Broom Man. He appeared to AAN Staffers as a very sprightly fellow a-walkin' down the Stairs Which Ascend that adjoin our beloved Alley. Interestingly he had two brooms, one in each hand. Then Lo! and behold, he carpé diemed in amazing fashion by taking the brooms and dancing with them in the swirling, roustabout style of Astair and Rogers. For real. Lo! and behold, Broom Man then goes to the Steps That Ascend and Lo! he sweeps them, a broom in each hand! For real. Then Lo!, without warning, he chucks the brooms like javelins a full 20 feet across the cul-de-sac, in the style of Astair tossing Rogers like a javelin, only twice. For real. This utterly astounding real life Action! makes it an immediate contender for The 2000 Action! Story of the Year.
**WORLD EXCLUSIVE!** BROOM MAN INTERVIEW **WORLD EXCLUSIVE!**
The Alley Action! News iTeam presents the following Investigate Special Report.
An actual real interview with the actual real Broom Man, for real, no bs, we actually spoke with him for real for real for real:
ALLEY ACTION! NEWS: Broom Man, can you sweep up a lot of matter using your two broom technique?
BROOM MAN: No, sweeping with two brooms is less efficient, due to lack of control.
AAN: Your second broom javelin toss was not as good as the first. What happened out there Broom Man?
BROOM MAN: I don't know. The first broom was better (in distance) than I thought it would be, and the second broom was not so great. It was disappointing.
AAN: Did you consider any other broom Action!s?
BROOM MAN: I was thinking about curling too but there was no ice and no stone.
AAN: Broom Man. What did you do after your incidences?
BROOM MAN: I had lunch, but it was kind of "eh" because I didn't wash hands after throwing the brooms, but didn't think about that until after I ate lunch. I couldn't tell why (the brooms) were thrown out, and I thought about it while eating at Michalengo's.
AAN: That could be gross. What did you eat?
BROOM MAN: A hummus wrap. The peppers were cool and everything else was hot. I also had a choco cookie and coffee.
AAN: Thank you.
BROOM MAN: You're welcome.
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BACKPACK KID INCIDENT
9/26/00
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A kid with a backpack slunked into the Cubby by the McDumpster where he may have whistled "Roundabout" by Yes. We just don't know.
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CHILDISHLY WEAK DOUBLE WUSSY DOUBLE PEE INCIDENT
9/27/00
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Two guys entered the Alley with one mission: to pee together. And they did. Yet their efforts earned them a combined 0 on the AAN River Rating scale (0 = no visible river). How utterly pathetic.
Alley Action! News River Rating = 0 x 2
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POSTAL CARRIER FOOT PICKING INCIDENT
9/27/00
(thanks to brand new AAN reader William)
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A postal carrier was seen doing what can only be described as a routine foot exam, on himself, in his vehicle, just outside the Alley. Understandably, diligence was taken in a very thorough exam of the first thru third digits on the carrier's left ped. Fungus? Perhaps an ingrown toenail returning to give him fits? No. Clearly it was a case of callus build-up. That pesky skin that seems to harden itself as quickly as a Carrier's personality upon entering that fine profession. No foreign objects were observed being used to rid the dreaded skin. He did however seem pretty accurate with his fingernails. Flinging and picking, picking and flinging. In a matter of ten minutes he was done. Then he read a book.
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DUAL SMOKER EXIT INCIDENT
9/28/00
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Ms. Grits McSmokey and Smoking Willy actually exited the Door from Which Smokers Emerge together. They quickly parted ways, Grits with her trademark exit from the Alley, and Willy meandering on over to the ol' smokin' stoop.
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DUMPSTER DRUNKARD INCIDENT
9/28/00
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A member of the Royally Shitfaced Dumpster Diver Guild made his presence known on this day with his pickled refuse rummaging. No booty was seen to be recovered. He exited the Alley using very large side to side steps.
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CAREFUL SPRAYING INCIDENT
9/29/00
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A McEmployee hosed a section of the Alley's North wall.
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GRAFFITI OBSERVATION
9/29/00
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Alley Action! League World Headquarters were outfitted with a pair of binoculars today, and they quickly proved their worth. A scan of the Alley revealed shocking evidence: four of the nine dumpsters were tagged gangland style. The strange part? Each tag was completely different from the others. Strange indeed, as gangland theory states that a gang's "turf" is defined by their tag. Therefore our four-tag Alley evidence proves that the entire Alley is not the "turf" of one gang, but four, divided by dumpster, approximately one gang per. Inevitable questions arise: Did they have a multi-gang summit where they divided "turf"? How does the gang in the middle cross the "turf" of an opposing gang to get to their "turf"? Do gangs have cartographers on staff?
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BOSS IMPRESSING HOSE DOWN INCIDENT
10/2/00
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Another day, another hose down, this time with a McEmployee seemingly trying to impress his McBoss with his hosing skill.
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A record number of urinations. A record number of hose downs. Hmmmm. Is the great mystery of life so brilliant as to suggest that our Alley can actually place thoughts in the minds of men of Maintenance that would lead to the urine being hosed off its back? Is our Alley capable of such power? And if so, what will it hypnotize we mere mortals into next? Are we already under the Alley's spell? Think about it.
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ALLEY OBSERVATION INCIDENT
10/3/00
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Two guys walked around the Alley and looked at it. One had a clipboard and the other had a tape measure, yet they did not measure it.
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STONE CIRCLE OF LIFE INCIDENT PART 1
10/4/00
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A tale of death and birth occurred on a wall a mere forty feet from the Alley entrance. Three hardhatted chaps released large decorative stones from their stony walled confines and into the dumpster abyss that lay below. This revealed a perfectly good cinder block wall which got covered with new bricks a week later (see STONE CIRCLE OF LIFE INCIDENT PART 2.)
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NEWSPAPER DELIVERER ON BIKE WITH CAST PEEING INCIDENT
10/4/00
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A guy who delivers newspapers from his bicycle took a much-needed pee behind Dumpster Number Two. Of great interest was the cast on his left leg that covered his foot and went up to his knee. Post-pee observation: the weight of this cast, combined with the sudden loss of weight in his bladder made him almost fall off his bike upon his Alley exit.
Alley Action! News River Rating = 2
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POT POWERLUNCH INCIDENT
10/5/00
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Three very baggily clothed lads of teenage origin smoked one doobie in the Alley while snacking on their McFries and sipping their McSodas. All the while a maintenance guy on an Alley rooftop was just feet away from peering over the edge to discover their doobieness, but never did.The teens left smiling wildly, and possibly thinking about humping.
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MYSTERY HANDSHAKE
10/10/00
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Two guys. One dapper. One longhair. In the Alley. Look. Look. Shake. Quick hand in pocket. Nervous parting. Brisk walking.
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VIRGIN DIVER INCIDENT
10/10/00
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A novice dumpster diver showed his greenhorn ways with his awkward and uncomfortable dumpster diving techniques, which was more than a little sad because his unpolishedness indicated he's newly homeless or newly way down on his luck, either of which is more than a little sad.
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STONE CIRCLE OF LIFE INCIDENT PART 2
10/11/00
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(See STONE CIRCLE OF LIFE INCIDENT PART 1)
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PETER CRISS FROM KISS INCIDENT
10/18/00
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A gent sachet past the Alley, through the cul de sac and onto State St. today, where he sat and took a load off. Was it really THE Peter Criss, former drummer of 70's/80's/90's/00's rock band Kiss? Or was it Academy Award ® Winning actor Morgan Freeman? You decide.
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