NewsFile: 3B1D Declassified Information Central High Boys Varsity Golf: Swing into Action Excerpt from Central 96 Yearbook. The sun rises gently in the east, shining down upon the glistening drops of dew resting on blades of grass, stretching into infinite fields of green. The clear blue suburban sky hovers over a local golf course as a brisk breeze moves across the terrain. People of all ages flock to the golf course in hopes to enjoy a time-honored tradition featuring plenty of family values and good clean fun. But there's the problem with golf: All these people are a bunch of self-richous bastards who destroy acres and acres of wildlife environment just to play their so called "sport" wherever they damn well please. And have you ever noticed how many old people play the game? They shouldn't even let high schoolers contemplate playing this game. But they do. And this is where Central's Boys Golf team comes in. Notice I said the "boys" team. That's because if they were men, they'd be playing football, now there's a man's game. Lottsa hitting, violence, and the occasional blood. On the other hand, all golf requires is a few hundred bucks in equipment and the ability to walk. Don't even give me that "It takes skill and concentration" shit, because I'm not even close to buying it. And after a completed game of golf, you've accomplished nothing. Do you even understand? NOTHING. No bones broken, no adversaries destroyed, no sense of absolute victory. All you've accomplished is putting a little ball into a hole eighteen times over and a little shard of paper with your numbers written on it. Completely pathetic. If this is really a sport, why isn't it even in the Olympics? Have you seen the kind of shit they have in there? Olympic curling, Olympic bungee jumping, I bet they even have an Olympic dumping in your pants event nowadays. Yet no golf! Just what the hell does that tell you? Let's face it, if that many old, retired, living of the public troff geezers can play the game, it's obviously no place for people of the younger generation. That's the problem with kids today; no damn motivation. Just a bunch of slacking. They think "Well if I can walk around outside with some expensive metal rods, I can pass myself off as an athlete." Well, I don't think so, Boba. Kids today. With their fancy-ass computers and their pushover parents, it's wonder they can even breathe by themselves without having some complaint. Back in my day, anyone going out for golf would be seen as a damn fairy. Might as well be on the cheerleading squad. Buncha nancies, those golfers. I do hate them fancy lads. Some golfers even have caddies, like they can't carry their own damn clubs. Slackers, I tell you. And here's the kicker, our team isn't even good! They suck! They had a crappy season and have disgraced the name of Central High School forever. Damn the golfers! Damn them and their families straight to hell! But good luck next year, guys!