"Why, I'm glad you asked..."
One Hundred Fun Things to do on an Elevator
by Alen Miess, Marcus Trapp, and Jared Wickus
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Start a game of Monopoly.
42. Read the floor directories out loud repeatedly.
43. Hang pictures.
44. Tell other passengers about your obsessive masturbation problem while gripping firmly to one of the side bars.
45. Wear a big yellow banana suit.
46. Attempt to call your mother on the emergency phone.
47. Run laps!
48. Execute an "elevator-jacking" with a realistic-looking water gun.
49. Paste a room number on the outside elevator doors.
50. Try to bounce a rubber ball off of all six surfaces of the elevator.
51. Screech your nails along the metal doors.
52. Loudly hock up some phlem, and moments later, make a satisfying gulping sound.
53. Suddenly torch up a bong and offer it around to the other passengers.
54. Ask all the passengers if they have filled out their organ donor cards and their will. Then lurch mysteriously in the back of the elevator.
55. Suspiciously sniff the passengers.
56. Try to start a wave.
57. Tote an electric cattle prod.
58. Tell everyone that you've just lost your job at the postal office and you're packin' heat.
59. Step into the elevator with a grappling hook and rope. Acting a little confused, explain to the passengers that you expected to repel down.
60. Start a bonfire.
61. Spontaneously yell "Bingo!" when your favorite floor number lights up.
62. Charge toll.
63. Mistake a passenger for one of your good friends and incessantly attempt to start conversations.
64. Lie down and take a nap.
65. Shout "Incoming!" and dive to the far corner of the elevator.
66. Bring along your pet wolverine.
67. Put in fresh sod!
68. Bark orders to Mr. Sulu before the elevator begins moving.
69. Huddle defensively in the corner, holding up a crucifix to all other passengers.
70. Faking a rush of adrenaline, exclaim "Yeah, this is great!!!" whenever the elevator moves.
71. Take a can opener to one of the elevator's sides.
72. If no one seems to be doing anything better, why don't you offer, "Wrestling anyone?"
73. Point and say,"Look, the Goodyear blimp!"
74. Put a sign above the button panel that says "Eighth Floor Button Out of Order. Please Push Three and Five Instead."
75. Offer free hors d'oeuvres.
76. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
77. Fake a seizure.
78. Acting disgusted, turn to an innocent passenger and loudly exclaim,"Do WHAT? For HOW much? But I've never even MET you!"
79. Shiver and say,"Cripes, somebody close that window, already!"
80. Bet someone the lobby a hundred bucks if they can beat the elevator to the fortieth floor on the stairs.
81. Keep reading the "Capacity" sign over and over and then taking a head count.
82. Breath in and out deeply and repeat "Its only an elevator, Its only an elevator."
83. Yell, "OH MY GOD! Did you hear that!?"
84. Laugh out loud at nothing.
85. When the doors start to close grab someone's shirt collar and whisper, "This is our last chance! The doors are closing on us!"
86. As the doors open on your floor, leap out across the floor and when the doors start to close look back at the people still in there and say,"Whew! Lucky I got outta there!"
87. Walk on the elevator with your finger in your nose, and then take it out and push your floor button with it.
88. Breakdance!
89. Tell everyone, "My doctor said that I'm only contagious in close and confined areas, but this elevator is right on that border line."
90. Ask everyone what their opinions are on which is better: Boxers or briefs? If no response, guess "You look like a brief man to me."
91. Bring a chair along.
92. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
93. Blow spit bubbles.
94. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
95. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
96. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
97. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
98. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
99. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
100. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"